Mahjong, Money and Forgiving

I'm starting to worry a lot about myself. It seems like I am getting more abnormal lately. Maybe it's an age thing, or maybe it's stress at work, but something really not-quite-me is happening to me. First of all, I've started learning to play mahjong. Mahjong is supposed to be a game played during chinese new year, or by senior citizens daily when they have too much time on their hands. It's not CNY, and though I am old but I don't think I'm qualified to be a senior citizen, and neither do I have loads of time on my hand. But the opportunity came up for me to learn it from a mahjong sifu, and I thought why not. But heck I think I got to perfect my chinese 1st. Right now I still can't differentiate between the north, south , east , west in chinese!! And that seems to be such a major thing. And it takes me twice as long to figure out what number I am holding when it's written in chinese. And finally my brains just can't strategise fast enough to win a game. Geesh, now I really respect those aunties who can't even operate a computer, but can win rounds and rounds of mahjong!! I left my lesson feeling a little dejected because my failure in the game made me feel that I would be a failure to be a tai-tai in life *tears streaming down my face* O yeah, tai-tai means a rich lady of the house who has nothing better to do than look pretty, spend her husband's money and play mahjong whole day. If I can't be a tai-tai, that means I have to work my whole damn life! O jolly, o yippee *I am trying to sound real excited here!*

Based on what I've been writing so far, I think most people would think I'm a kinda materialistic girl. And I don't blame u guys if you thought so coz I myself thought I was...until recently. I always tell other girls, who cares if the guy loves u or not, if he's rich, just "trap" him. Since every guy is bound to be unfaithful, better to depend on the money than the person. Yeah right..was so convincing that I almost believed it myself! Alas, there are silly girls out there just like me who are sentimental fools. We go for guys who make us lovey dovey, and set our heart beating like there's no tomorrow. So I got asked out by 2 guys whom I am sure are good guys, and definitely guys who could make me a rich enough tai-tai..but darn, I rejected them and I am still whacking myself with a hammer for this! What in my freaking hormones have made me forgotten that MONEY is the all important thing in a man??!!! But heck, I really feel no Uummph for them. So I think I'm really going totally not myself anymore, and I seriously need some counselling.

So then God answered my prayer with a question that I actually asked in one of my earlier posting. Today my pastor spoke those scary words again. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE? Aarrrgghhh.....when will we ever stop asking this question I wonder.Well I didn't get the answer from the pastor coz his voice was so soothing that I kinda started daydreaming. Daydreaming is good, coz in a way it's my method of communicating with God. Don't you doubt that because at the end of my daydream, I had another question. Yeah, God seems to like adding questions into my life. Maybe he knows I am bad in mahjong so he tries to "oil" my brains a bit and set the engine running. Anyway, the question is "How do u forgive?". I always thought forgiving was abt accepting a person's wrongdoing towards u. Pretty simple no? But now I know forgive and forget are not 2 words, they must actually come as one in order for true forgiveness to happen. What's the point of forgiving but not forgetting? Remembering something u've forgiven only serves to torture oneself, and end up u're stuck in a rut while the other party happily moves on without a thought for you. Sooo..what am I getting at??!! My brain engine is still trying to digest all this and make some sense out of it. Gulp~~ that's another weird thing. I'm getting slower with my brains!!

COP is just not COP anymore :(